Well, today is January 1. Its the first day of the new year and social media is a buzz with everyone's positive outlook on the coming year. We all know that that will quickly change into everyone complaining about gaining weight because they are skipping the gym to go drink margaritas. We will also see the continued political garbage of one side making up lies about the other and it being shoved down our throats through the various "news" outlets. So I figured this would be a great time for me to reflect on my life this past year as I am turning the ripe age of 27 tomorrow. Golly!
Thinking back to my life at age 21 I am finding little I can compare to my life now. Had you told my 21 year old self that by the time I was 27, I would be married to my boyfriend who had more commitment issues than I did, have 2 kids, no social life, staying at home, making home cooked meals daily, and be washing diapers, I would have laughed you out of the room. At 21, I was working for a company that profited off of my perky boobs, I was going to the bar every night after my bar tending shift ended, I lived in a bikini, my phone was going off constantly with the texts from people inviting me to do things. I slept in until noon and went to bed at 6 am. I drank bottles of liquor with little remorse. I wore short skirts and my toned mid drift often was part of my fashion choices. I cut and dyed my hair on a whim and ate restaurant food pretty much every meal of the day. I went clothes shopping monthly and got pedicures. I cussed like a sailor and the only real commitment I had was to my dog!
Now at 27, I am married to a guy who I thought for certain was just going to be another one of my flings. He is though, one of the very few things that is the same from 6 years ago. (My dog is still in this category though she is old, gray and had arthritis). I go weeks without talking to people outside of my immediate family. I no longer work as I spend my days nurturing the future people my kids will someday become. I cook everyday. And usually 3 meals a day which actually sometimes involves me cooking 2 completely different meals at once. I shake poop out of cloth diapers that I will later wash. My boobs, well they are no longer perky, but they have fed 2 boys and kept them healthy and strong. I do not remember the last time I even walked into a bar or drank something other than a glass of wine or a beer. I am contemplating the appropriateness of my future in a bikini. I have lost all the weight I gained through 2 pregnancies and my stretch marks are limited to a few on my hips that would be very hard to notice. My wonder comes from, do I want to be that mom in a bikini or should I find a happy place in a one piece because I am a mom. I am so undecided...good thing I don't have any immediate plans that involve swimming! My phone, pathetic thing, goes weeks without making a sound other than the daily alarm reminding me to take my birth control. Sleeping in is impossible and staying up past 10 is a chore. More than 2 glasses of wine would have me in bed for an entire day. I don't buy clothes for myself anymore. I wait until Christmas or my birthday and hope someone finds something they think I would look good in. My mom is also really good about sending me her finds from TJ Maxx that she ends up not keeping. My feet are calloused from my need to wear shoes as little as possible (a habit my oldest has proudly picked up). My cuss words have morphed from "shit" to "shucks" from "damn" to "darn." My hair is all natural, one length, and practical.
Some may read this and think I have let myself go or I am lazy or I have become a recluse. To which I would have to disagree. Sure I can't drink like I did and maybe my fashion has been put on a back burner, but my heart is bigger and I am happier. My life at 27, has given me a love I could not even come close to describing, a bigger appreciation for the environment and the world I will leave behind for my children. My life at 27, has brought a calming madness to my daily life though the screaming, crying, mountains of laundry, and endless butt wiping. I have gained compassion, knowledge, skills and ambition that only a parent is capable of. I have maintained my lifelong friends and passed through the time of those who were only there for a purpose. I can coupon clip when needed, I make a meal out of a bare cupboard. I can kiss a boo-boo and end tears. I can move worlds for my children.
When I look back at my life at age 21, I think, if only I would have had a clue what a beautiful thing my life would have shortly become, maybe, I would have appreciated the change more as it was happening. Maybe I would have been able to see the beauty in the madness sooner.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
Friday, December 27, 2013
My Long Hi-Etas
It has been a very long time since my last post. Whew! Life has been crazy! In August, I buckled down and graduated! So I now have a Bachelors of Science in Psychology. Then right after that in September, we moved from Colorado to Texas. We didn't have any help so it was way intense and I am still unpacking. Then the holidays came, and being a mom, and well, this blog got put on the back burner for a bit. But, this hi-etas of mine allowed me to see a world of mothering that I am ashamed of.
I have been seeing moms criticizing other moms for their parenting choices. This is terribly sad. Mothers need to be supporting one another, not adding to the stress and tear downs life already has on moms. I have been seeing mom criticize other moms for choosing to formula feed, for breast feeding in public, for choosing to work, for choosing to stay home, for choosing to cloth diaper, for choosing to use sposies, and so on and so on! What the hell is wrong with these criticizing moms?! The important thing is that baby is fed, clean, healthy, and happy. It doesn't matter how this is accomplished. What works for one mom may not work for another. Moms need to be supporting one another, guiding one another, and being their for each other.
Being a mom is one of the grossest, most stressful, trying, amazing, rewarding things in life. There is not enough time in it to tear another mom down for trying her best. Being a mom is the greatest learning experience in one's life. All we can do is wake up everyday and try to be better than the day before. ALL moms will make mistakes. ALL moms will find things that just don't work. ALL moms will get frustrated and angry and feel like they are not doing enough. This is ALL part of being a mom.
Moms need to unite and understand that everyone will raise their child differently. Everyone will love their children differently. Motherhood is not the time to make other mothers feel bad about their choices. No one way is right. Power to you working moms, but remember you are not better than those that stay home. You do not work harder. Power to you stay-at-home moms, but remember you are not better than those that work. You do not love your child more. Power to you formula feeding moms, your baby is being fed. Do not shame a mother for feeding her baby by breast in public (it is completely natural). Power to you breast feeding moms, it can be so difficult to stick with it. Do not make a formula feeding mom feel guilty for choosing to feed her baby differently, baby is being fed. Power to you over 30 moms and you under 30 moms and you teen moms. We are all in this together. Find some other moms and become close to them. They will be your saving grace through this ride and share with each other. It will make each of you a better mom.
I have been seeing moms criticizing other moms for their parenting choices. This is terribly sad. Mothers need to be supporting one another, not adding to the stress and tear downs life already has on moms. I have been seeing mom criticize other moms for choosing to formula feed, for breast feeding in public, for choosing to work, for choosing to stay home, for choosing to cloth diaper, for choosing to use sposies, and so on and so on! What the hell is wrong with these criticizing moms?! The important thing is that baby is fed, clean, healthy, and happy. It doesn't matter how this is accomplished. What works for one mom may not work for another. Moms need to be supporting one another, guiding one another, and being their for each other.
Being a mom is one of the grossest, most stressful, trying, amazing, rewarding things in life. There is not enough time in it to tear another mom down for trying her best. Being a mom is the greatest learning experience in one's life. All we can do is wake up everyday and try to be better than the day before. ALL moms will make mistakes. ALL moms will find things that just don't work. ALL moms will get frustrated and angry and feel like they are not doing enough. This is ALL part of being a mom.
Moms need to unite and understand that everyone will raise their child differently. Everyone will love their children differently. Motherhood is not the time to make other mothers feel bad about their choices. No one way is right. Power to you working moms, but remember you are not better than those that stay home. You do not work harder. Power to you stay-at-home moms, but remember you are not better than those that work. You do not love your child more. Power to you formula feeding moms, your baby is being fed. Do not shame a mother for feeding her baby by breast in public (it is completely natural). Power to you breast feeding moms, it can be so difficult to stick with it. Do not make a formula feeding mom feel guilty for choosing to feed her baby differently, baby is being fed. Power to you over 30 moms and you under 30 moms and you teen moms. We are all in this together. Find some other moms and become close to them. They will be your saving grace through this ride and share with each other. It will make each of you a better mom.
Monday, August 19, 2013
My Birth Stories Cont.
So the birth of my second son is still fresh (I was only 3 months ago). Originally I wanted to try for a VBAC. During one of the sonograms we discovered that the baby could potentially weigh 9 lbs! Both the doctor and myself felt that a 9 lb baby was larger than my petite frame could deliver. So we planned a repeat C-Section 6 days before his due date. This experience was completely different than my first. I tried to keep myself distracted from the fear of another c-section. Still the idea of being cut open while awake is terrifying! My mom had planned to fly out a couple of days before the surgery so she could help out with Aaron.
My first, I had very few Braxton-Hicks contractions, but with this one I had them constantly the last month. They were even regular often, but never more than 8 minutes apart. A few times I was convinced that today was going to be the day. With my first I also never had that famous "nesting" experience. With this one I did. I cleaned the entire house in just a couple hours. This included changing sheets on beds. I think this was about a week before Ewan was born. The day before Ewan was born I started to just feel "off" for a lack of a better word. Going into labor was on my mind. I tried to relax and do as little as I could because I really wanted my mom to get here before he came. I started having some good contractions around 9 am, but still they were irregular so I knew I was no yet in labor. Then around 10 am I lost my mucus plug. Now let me tell you...I new deep down that he was going to be coming in the next 24 hours. I sent a text to my husband and my mom saying I was pretty sure he was going to be arriving soon. I told my hubs to be ready to get me if need be. He came home early from work that day (just in case). At 3 pm I got so hungry, like I had never eaten before! I ate and ate and ate. And if you don't believe me... I ate 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pasta that could have easily fed 3 people, an apple, yogurt, and a bowl of cereal! I was still hungry but decided against eating more as I had consumed more than any sane person would have in a day.
I continued to have Braxton-Hicks for the entire day. They were coming regularly, but not changing in intensity. I decided to go to bed. Around midnight my contractions started to really become painful. I had called the hospital earlier in the day and they told me to labor at home for as long as possible (not sure the nurse understood I was having a c-section). So anyways, I toughed it out. Around 2 am things were really progressing. My contractions were went from 7 minutes to 3 minutes apart. I woke my husband and we got our son ready to go. It was still 4 days before my mom would arrive. We made that trip to the hospital.
When I got to the hospital they set me up in a triage room and hooked me up to the monitors and checked how dilated I was. I was already 8 cm! Baby was on his way into this world. The nurse tried to get an IV in me. She missed. She missed again, and still again. She then called in another nurse who also missed 3 more times. Then they called in the anesthesiologist. He was a brute (to put it nicely). He ordered for the biggest gage needle and proceeded to shove it into the bend of my wrist (twice) then into my hand. He finally got it into my hand and I was taken into the surgery room. My contractions were coming less than a minute apart and I still needed to find the strength to hold still for the spinal. And as luck would have it, between the triage room and the surgery room my IV came out of my vein so when I got to the surgery room that brute stuck me another 3 times!
Anyways, the surgery happened so quickly once my spinal was in. I do remember that brute testing to see if it was working by poking me with a needle all down the length of my body. The surgeon and the brute talked about their college age boys playing sports during most of it. Then I heard it...I heard the first little cries of my new son! The nurses cleaned him up and brought him to me to see. Of course I didn't get to touch him. But he was beautiful and looked so much like my first son did when he was born. And good thing I decided to have that c-section...baby's face was completely bruised from being lodged in my pelvis!
I was wheeled into the recovery area and monitored by a nurse for 2 hours. They did bring my baby in to nurse and my husband and son came in to check on me. Hubs couldn't be in the surgery room with me because he had to stay outside and watch our little Aaron. I could not wait to get into my room and really start bonding with our family. Finally, I was moved to my room and baby was brought in for me. He was perfect (of course!). We spent the day nursing and bonding and introducing Aaron to his new brother. That night I went on my first walk (and those of you who have had a c-section know what an accomplishment this is). And I walked! They said to just try to walk to the end of the hall and back, screw that! I walked for a good half hour. It was not an easy walk, but it felt good to be moving again. I could not wait to take that shower the next morning and remove that 4 inch thick bandage. I also learned my lesson from my previous surgery and brought my own pads so I didn't have to use those massive ones the hospital provides and I also brought my own underwear so the mesh ones never touched my body. And that was a saving grace, let me tell you!
I was discharged a day early as I was recovering so well. Part of me wanted to stay when they asked if I wanted to just because I was not ready to begin my duties of housekeeping and cooking when I got home. But the hospital stay was getting to be too much for my restless 2 year old that just wanted to play and our poor dogs who were stuck outside all day and night.
So we came home. And we napped! My poor husband rushed around to clean the house a little before my mom arrived and I just spent time bonding and relaxing and trying to recover. This recovery was so much better than my previous. With my first I experienced the pains in the chest caused by the air that got into my body cavity. I experienced the WORST constipation of my life that of course I had to deal with while my mother-in-law was there and had to hear me complain about how bad I felt like I needed to go! This time I had no chest pains and was so paranoid about that constipation that I loaded up on fiber pills, stool softeners, and even milk of magnesia. No way was I going to spend hours on the toilet trying to find relief from the worst poop of my life again!
The terrified feeling I had after the birth of my first was no longer there. I guess it is true what they say about the first being the hardest and scariest. Now its all a breeze....ha!
My first, I had very few Braxton-Hicks contractions, but with this one I had them constantly the last month. They were even regular often, but never more than 8 minutes apart. A few times I was convinced that today was going to be the day. With my first I also never had that famous "nesting" experience. With this one I did. I cleaned the entire house in just a couple hours. This included changing sheets on beds. I think this was about a week before Ewan was born. The day before Ewan was born I started to just feel "off" for a lack of a better word. Going into labor was on my mind. I tried to relax and do as little as I could because I really wanted my mom to get here before he came. I started having some good contractions around 9 am, but still they were irregular so I knew I was no yet in labor. Then around 10 am I lost my mucus plug. Now let me tell you...I new deep down that he was going to be coming in the next 24 hours. I sent a text to my husband and my mom saying I was pretty sure he was going to be arriving soon. I told my hubs to be ready to get me if need be. He came home early from work that day (just in case). At 3 pm I got so hungry, like I had never eaten before! I ate and ate and ate. And if you don't believe me... I ate 2 peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, pasta that could have easily fed 3 people, an apple, yogurt, and a bowl of cereal! I was still hungry but decided against eating more as I had consumed more than any sane person would have in a day.
I continued to have Braxton-Hicks for the entire day. They were coming regularly, but not changing in intensity. I decided to go to bed. Around midnight my contractions started to really become painful. I had called the hospital earlier in the day and they told me to labor at home for as long as possible (not sure the nurse understood I was having a c-section). So anyways, I toughed it out. Around 2 am things were really progressing. My contractions were went from 7 minutes to 3 minutes apart. I woke my husband and we got our son ready to go. It was still 4 days before my mom would arrive. We made that trip to the hospital.
When I got to the hospital they set me up in a triage room and hooked me up to the monitors and checked how dilated I was. I was already 8 cm! Baby was on his way into this world. The nurse tried to get an IV in me. She missed. She missed again, and still again. She then called in another nurse who also missed 3 more times. Then they called in the anesthesiologist. He was a brute (to put it nicely). He ordered for the biggest gage needle and proceeded to shove it into the bend of my wrist (twice) then into my hand. He finally got it into my hand and I was taken into the surgery room. My contractions were coming less than a minute apart and I still needed to find the strength to hold still for the spinal. And as luck would have it, between the triage room and the surgery room my IV came out of my vein so when I got to the surgery room that brute stuck me another 3 times!
Anyways, the surgery happened so quickly once my spinal was in. I do remember that brute testing to see if it was working by poking me with a needle all down the length of my body. The surgeon and the brute talked about their college age boys playing sports during most of it. Then I heard it...I heard the first little cries of my new son! The nurses cleaned him up and brought him to me to see. Of course I didn't get to touch him. But he was beautiful and looked so much like my first son did when he was born. And good thing I decided to have that c-section...baby's face was completely bruised from being lodged in my pelvis!
I was wheeled into the recovery area and monitored by a nurse for 2 hours. They did bring my baby in to nurse and my husband and son came in to check on me. Hubs couldn't be in the surgery room with me because he had to stay outside and watch our little Aaron. I could not wait to get into my room and really start bonding with our family. Finally, I was moved to my room and baby was brought in for me. He was perfect (of course!). We spent the day nursing and bonding and introducing Aaron to his new brother. That night I went on my first walk (and those of you who have had a c-section know what an accomplishment this is). And I walked! They said to just try to walk to the end of the hall and back, screw that! I walked for a good half hour. It was not an easy walk, but it felt good to be moving again. I could not wait to take that shower the next morning and remove that 4 inch thick bandage. I also learned my lesson from my previous surgery and brought my own pads so I didn't have to use those massive ones the hospital provides and I also brought my own underwear so the mesh ones never touched my body. And that was a saving grace, let me tell you!
So we came home. And we napped! My poor husband rushed around to clean the house a little before my mom arrived and I just spent time bonding and relaxing and trying to recover. This recovery was so much better than my previous. With my first I experienced the pains in the chest caused by the air that got into my body cavity. I experienced the WORST constipation of my life that of course I had to deal with while my mother-in-law was there and had to hear me complain about how bad I felt like I needed to go! This time I had no chest pains and was so paranoid about that constipation that I loaded up on fiber pills, stool softeners, and even milk of magnesia. No way was I going to spend hours on the toilet trying to find relief from the worst poop of my life again!
The terrified feeling I had after the birth of my first was no longer there. I guess it is true what they say about the first being the hardest and scariest. Now its all a breeze....ha!
Thursday, August 8, 2013
My Birth Stories
So I guess the most natural place to go have my long hi-etas from this blog is to the stories of my birth experiences. I know many of my readers are very close to labor. So maybe I should get this out there before.
My first son was due April 1st, 2010. (yeah we had the potential for some April Fools jokes). I went to the doctor for my weekly check up on Wednesday, March 23. At my appointment I was told I was a centimeter dilated and to go to the labor and delivery unit on Friday to have my membranes stripped. So, by the time Friday came I was very excited thinking about the baby coming within the next day. But, labor and delivery told me that his head was not yet engaged so they could not strip my membranes and sent me home. So I was bummed. But I thought, well there are better odds of me going past my due date than being early, so I waited. On Sunday, March 27th I decided I was going to help baby move down. I spent the ENTIRE day bouncing on an exercise ball. I ate on the thing even. Only left it to go to the bathroom. I went to bed a little discouraged that I hadn't even had a Braxton-Hicks contraction! Little did I know...Right after 4 am on Monday, March 28th I had my first real contraction. At first I just thought I dreamed the extra pain and rolled over and fell back to sleep, but then I had another only 10 minutes after I had the first. I had them every 10 minutes for about an hour and decided I was going to get out of bed and take a relaxing bath. It was not relaxing. By the time I got the bath filled and got in, my contractions were coming every 7 minutes. My plan was to labor at home until my contractions were about 5 minutes apart. I also figured that since it was my first term delivery that I would be laboring for a good long while. Once again, I was proved wrong. I had been in the bath for 10 minutes before they started coming every 5 minutes. I figured it was a good time to wake my husband. It would give him a little time to get ready and have some coffee. I woke him and told him to take his time that contractions were coming every 5 minutes. Then they weren't! I had intense pressure that I thought was because I had not yet peed. So I went to the bathroom and found lots of blood. Scared, I ran out and told my husband we had to go now! My contractions went from 5 minutes to 3 minutes within a 10 minute period. I knew the baby would be here soon. We got into the car and headed for the hospital that was the longest 20 minutes away. And of course we hit every single red light.
We got to the hospital just before 6 am and as my husband parked the car and got my paperwork from my OBGYN I walked up 3 flights of stairs to Labor & Delivery (not sure why I decided to take the stairs and not the elevator other than for some kind of internal pride I guess). My contractions were not coming every minute. Triage decided I was 8 cm and everyone was talking about how fast baby was going to come. I then was told I needed to decide if I was going to have an epidural. Something inside told me to get it (and that something ended up being a saving grace later on) . I am not sure why, I was very set on having a natural birth. The nurses said that I needed to be given 2 bags of liquids before I could get the epidural. I didn't think I would make it that long before the baby got there. But finally the 2 bags of liquid were empty and the epidural was put into place. The pain was gone.
And now it was the waiting game. I was already 8 cm by the time I reached the hospital. So I knew there wasn't that much more time. Soon I was 9cm. Then I heard a rubber bad snap...boy was I wrong, it was my water. The anesthesiologist came in to check that I was no longer in pain and I informed him that my water had just broke (my husband even heard it from across the room!). A nurse came in quickly and checked. Sure enough it had broke and it was time to push. Suddenly there was a doctor and 3 other nurses in the room and the bed was transformed and my feet were up in the stir-ups. It was time to push! So I did, and I did, and I did (and I told my husband not to look down there, I didn't want him to see that!) One of the nurses left the room and quickly came back with another doctor. Weird right? Well, this doctor informs me that the baby's head was visible but that he had not moved further down my birth canal in a while and his heart beat was quickening. She said they were going o try the vacuum to get him out. They tried 4 times and nothing happened. They then decided baby needed to come out right away and that my only option was a c-section. My worst fear were coming true. I was terrified. I could not fathom being cut open while I was still conscious! I was even more scared that my baby was in distress. I was quickly prepped for surgery. This is when I realized what a saving grace my epidural had been. Had I not had it, I would have had to get a spinal when the baby was in the birth canal. But, since I had it they just changed the medication that was in it as they were wheeling me into the surgery room. This happened so quickly and I barely remember anything. I remember being so cold and they put a tube that blew warm air down my gown to help keep my shivering body warm. I remember hearing the nurses do the APGAR test, and then them showing him to me briefly for the first time. I remember hearing the doctor asking for a tool count then the worst 2 words to hear..."staple gun."
notice my gown all puffed up with the air!
I was finally wheeled back into the recovery room where my husband was waiting and holding our son. I was finally going to be able to hold him! He was finally handed to me and I nursed him. Soon we were taken to our room and spent the rest of the day nursing and bonding. I was in the hospital for 2 days. During which time I had a nurse helping me go to the bathroom and putting huge pads in my hospital mesh under ware (talk about humiliating!). When it was time to go home I was so excited! We got baby all strapped in his car seat and I was helped into the car. Then the fear sunk in...oh my gosh, they were sending us home with this beautiful little baby. I don't know how to be a mom! Where is the instruction book? What do I do when....? And of course my husband driving a little under the speed limit was still too fast for this precious cargo we had inside. We made it home, after a pit-stop to get breakfast...I was starving after only eating crappy hospital food. The dogs were so excited to see us and I had to keep them from excitedly jumping up onto my fresh wound. They each sniffed baby, gave him a little lick and that was it. They displayed no jealousy and we were lucky. Then we settled in and adjusted to being a new family. We made it through our first night at home and our first bath and then our first doctor's visit and our first week.
My first son was due April 1st, 2010. (yeah we had the potential for some April Fools jokes). I went to the doctor for my weekly check up on Wednesday, March 23. At my appointment I was told I was a centimeter dilated and to go to the labor and delivery unit on Friday to have my membranes stripped. So, by the time Friday came I was very excited thinking about the baby coming within the next day. But, labor and delivery told me that his head was not yet engaged so they could not strip my membranes and sent me home. So I was bummed. But I thought, well there are better odds of me going past my due date than being early, so I waited. On Sunday, March 27th I decided I was going to help baby move down. I spent the ENTIRE day bouncing on an exercise ball. I ate on the thing even. Only left it to go to the bathroom. I went to bed a little discouraged that I hadn't even had a Braxton-Hicks contraction! Little did I know...Right after 4 am on Monday, March 28th I had my first real contraction. At first I just thought I dreamed the extra pain and rolled over and fell back to sleep, but then I had another only 10 minutes after I had the first. I had them every 10 minutes for about an hour and decided I was going to get out of bed and take a relaxing bath. It was not relaxing. By the time I got the bath filled and got in, my contractions were coming every 7 minutes. My plan was to labor at home until my contractions were about 5 minutes apart. I also figured that since it was my first term delivery that I would be laboring for a good long while. Once again, I was proved wrong. I had been in the bath for 10 minutes before they started coming every 5 minutes. I figured it was a good time to wake my husband. It would give him a little time to get ready and have some coffee. I woke him and told him to take his time that contractions were coming every 5 minutes. Then they weren't! I had intense pressure that I thought was because I had not yet peed. So I went to the bathroom and found lots of blood. Scared, I ran out and told my husband we had to go now! My contractions went from 5 minutes to 3 minutes within a 10 minute period. I knew the baby would be here soon. We got into the car and headed for the hospital that was the longest 20 minutes away. And of course we hit every single red light.
We got to the hospital just before 6 am and as my husband parked the car and got my paperwork from my OBGYN I walked up 3 flights of stairs to Labor & Delivery (not sure why I decided to take the stairs and not the elevator other than for some kind of internal pride I guess). My contractions were not coming every minute. Triage decided I was 8 cm and everyone was talking about how fast baby was going to come. I then was told I needed to decide if I was going to have an epidural. Something inside told me to get it (and that something ended up being a saving grace later on) . I am not sure why, I was very set on having a natural birth. The nurses said that I needed to be given 2 bags of liquids before I could get the epidural. I didn't think I would make it that long before the baby got there. But finally the 2 bags of liquid were empty and the epidural was put into place. The pain was gone.
I was finally wheeled back into the recovery room where my husband was waiting and holding our son. I was finally going to be able to hold him! He was finally handed to me and I nursed him. Soon we were taken to our room and spent the rest of the day nursing and bonding. I was in the hospital for 2 days. During which time I had a nurse helping me go to the bathroom and putting huge pads in my hospital mesh under ware (talk about humiliating!). When it was time to go home I was so excited! We got baby all strapped in his car seat and I was helped into the car. Then the fear sunk in...oh my gosh, they were sending us home with this beautiful little baby. I don't know how to be a mom! Where is the instruction book? What do I do when....? And of course my husband driving a little under the speed limit was still too fast for this precious cargo we had inside. We made it home, after a pit-stop to get breakfast...I was starving after only eating crappy hospital food. The dogs were so excited to see us and I had to keep them from excitedly jumping up onto my fresh wound. They each sniffed baby, gave him a little lick and that was it. They displayed no jealousy and we were lucky. Then we settled in and adjusted to being a new family. We made it through our first night at home and our first bath and then our first doctor's visit and our first week. 
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Breast Feeding and Cloth Diapering
Wow! It has been a little while since I have had the time to write. With the 4th of July holiday and school, I have been so busy! Anyways, as promised here is my experience with breast feeding and cloth diapering.
As an expecting parent (especially mom) you are faced with so many decisions...nursery decor, co-sleeping, names, gender neutral, do you wanna know the sex, circumcision. Really, its enough to make your head explode!
Breast Feeding
Breast feeding, for me, was not really a decision. Well, it wasn't something I had to put thought into. I was going to be a stay-at-home mom for the unforeseeable future and I had no reason not to try to breast feed. I had the time and the determination to make it happen. Everyone knows "breast is best" when it comes to the health of our babies. The problems come when women are not able to get a good supply going. I am not going to say everything about breast feeding is easy. I was lucky, both my sons were very good from the start at getting a proper latch. And let me tell you...they latched the hell out of my nips! My biggest problem was the after math of the constant feeding. With my first son, I promise you, my nipples fell off in the form of big ugly scabs that left me raw and bleeding for weeks. I had to stop breast feeding and pump until my nips grew back. Then I got smart and bought some of the must haves (I'll list those later). With my first son I also experienced engorgement. This happened for the first time when he first slept through the night (and of course I did too). I woke up with rock hard boobs and full breast pads. They hurt and I had to pump so long before I felt a little relief. They were so full that my son was actually unable to latch on! Heat really helps with engorgement so a hot shower was my go to.
With my first son, I never nursed in public (well, besides on an almost empty airplane with no one around). If we were out and about and he got hungry, I went to the car. Now, with my second son, I finally just nursed in public. Actually it was on the 4th of July. I have not yet worked up the courage to go all natural about it. I used one of those nursing covers (because there are still people out there offended by breast feeding but fine with boobs on t.v). I have to admit, it was liberating. I enjoyed not hiding out in the car to feed my son. It was nice to have the breeze (it was a hot day and the car would have not been a happy place). So, you first time breast feeders, hang in there. Be patient and don't give up. Do what you can and supplement when you have to. So here is my best advice for breast feeding
1. The second you find out you are pregnant start toughing up your nips. Use a rough wash cloth (I used a loufa). I didn't do this with my first and paid a heavy price. With my second I did and had no issues with scabbing.
2. Get Lanolin and put it on after every feeding no excuses! (Lansinoh makes a natural one that is very thick, but is easy to put on if you rub it between your fingers or as I did I kept it touching the wipes warmer)
3. Get a good pump (I got a cheap single electric pump the first time around and would have to pump for an hour to get a bottle worth. This time I got a Lansinoh double electric one and can get a full bottle in 10 minutes!)
4. Heat is your friend when you are engourged.
5. Pump or feed before you shower or you will be spraying all over the place!
6. Cold feels great on sore nips
7. When feeding apply pressure on the opposite side this will help prevent leaking that will happen.
8. Get in a comfortable position with things to do and water to drink. You will be stuck there for around 20 minutes so make it a pleasurable experience.
Cloth Diapering
I am pretty new to the whole cloth diapering world. I wanted to cloth diaper from the beginning, but they are an expensive initial investment. So having enough money around to get a starter stash is difficult. Also, it is hard to find a good place to start. Many websites and blogs use cloth diaper lingo which is very hard to understand if you are new to it.
I chose to go with one size pocket diapers. These diapers are very similar to disposables in the sense that you change the entire diaper with every change. They have different snaps that adjust for baby's size. These have a water resistant outer shell with a pocket inside that you stuff with your liner. I use microfibers an bamboo. The microfibers are very think and bulky under clothing so often baby needs to wear at least a size up in clothing. The bamboo takes a little longer to prep, but becomes very absorbent. Now that I mention prepping I guess I better explain. Before cloth diapers become absorbent they need to be prepped. This is done by washing in hot water a certain number of times. I prepped my bamboo by boiling in water on the stove for a half hour. The microfiber prepped in one wash on hot and a dry in the dryer. Your shells can be put in the dryer but it wears them so I like to hang dry (also hanging them iin the sun will help get rid of stains).
You cannot use regular diaper rash creams in a cloth diaper (this ruins the fabric and therefor its ability to absorb). You can get a natural on like CJ's BUTTer. Also, do NOT use fabric softener this also ruins the ability for absorption. With the pocket diapers, to wash I just pull the liner out and drop all of it into the machine with an unscented detergent (currently using Bum Genius). I wash in hot then put all the liners in the dryer and hang the shells. Store soiled diapers in a bag. Just shake off any solids into the toilet and do not soak them.
We had a problem of stinky diapers even after the wash but fixed that by changing detergents. I also have a supply of Mighty Bubbles on hand in case they start to smell funny or seem to have build up. People also use RLR for this same thing.
We have to remember to change the cloth diapers more frequently than the disposable ones. They will leak. I double line the shells at night so that we don't have to change while sleeping. Cloth diapers can be used as swim diapers as long as you remove the liner (so they are not toting around a liner full of pool water). So once you get your stash and get used to the system they are pretty easy. And will save you money! And they are really cute and you can coordinate them with what baby is wearing! So here are your cloth diaper must haves
1. A stash of probably a minimum of 20 diapers
2. Cloth diaper friendly detergent
3. A wet bag (you put dirty diapers in this when you are out and about)
4. Cloth diaper friendly rash ointment
5. Patience (until you get it figured out)
6. Time to teach your partner how the diapers work.
So there you have it, in a small nutshell my experiences with breast feeding and cloth diapering. Questions... just ask me and I will cover in more detail.
As an expecting parent (especially mom) you are faced with so many decisions...nursery decor, co-sleeping, names, gender neutral, do you wanna know the sex, circumcision. Really, its enough to make your head explode!
Breast Feeding
Breast feeding, for me, was not really a decision. Well, it wasn't something I had to put thought into. I was going to be a stay-at-home mom for the unforeseeable future and I had no reason not to try to breast feed. I had the time and the determination to make it happen. Everyone knows "breast is best" when it comes to the health of our babies. The problems come when women are not able to get a good supply going. I am not going to say everything about breast feeding is easy. I was lucky, both my sons were very good from the start at getting a proper latch. And let me tell you...they latched the hell out of my nips! My biggest problem was the after math of the constant feeding. With my first son, I promise you, my nipples fell off in the form of big ugly scabs that left me raw and bleeding for weeks. I had to stop breast feeding and pump until my nips grew back. Then I got smart and bought some of the must haves (I'll list those later). With my first son I also experienced engorgement. This happened for the first time when he first slept through the night (and of course I did too). I woke up with rock hard boobs and full breast pads. They hurt and I had to pump so long before I felt a little relief. They were so full that my son was actually unable to latch on! Heat really helps with engorgement so a hot shower was my go to.
With my first son, I never nursed in public (well, besides on an almost empty airplane with no one around). If we were out and about and he got hungry, I went to the car. Now, with my second son, I finally just nursed in public. Actually it was on the 4th of July. I have not yet worked up the courage to go all natural about it. I used one of those nursing covers (because there are still people out there offended by breast feeding but fine with boobs on t.v). I have to admit, it was liberating. I enjoyed not hiding out in the car to feed my son. It was nice to have the breeze (it was a hot day and the car would have not been a happy place). So, you first time breast feeders, hang in there. Be patient and don't give up. Do what you can and supplement when you have to. So here is my best advice for breast feeding
1. The second you find out you are pregnant start toughing up your nips. Use a rough wash cloth (I used a loufa). I didn't do this with my first and paid a heavy price. With my second I did and had no issues with scabbing.
2. Get Lanolin and put it on after every feeding no excuses! (Lansinoh makes a natural one that is very thick, but is easy to put on if you rub it between your fingers or as I did I kept it touching the wipes warmer)
3. Get a good pump (I got a cheap single electric pump the first time around and would have to pump for an hour to get a bottle worth. This time I got a Lansinoh double electric one and can get a full bottle in 10 minutes!)
4. Heat is your friend when you are engourged.
5. Pump or feed before you shower or you will be spraying all over the place!
6. Cold feels great on sore nips
7. When feeding apply pressure on the opposite side this will help prevent leaking that will happen.
8. Get in a comfortable position with things to do and water to drink. You will be stuck there for around 20 minutes so make it a pleasurable experience.
Cloth Diapering
I am pretty new to the whole cloth diapering world. I wanted to cloth diaper from the beginning, but they are an expensive initial investment. So having enough money around to get a starter stash is difficult. Also, it is hard to find a good place to start. Many websites and blogs use cloth diaper lingo which is very hard to understand if you are new to it.
I chose to go with one size pocket diapers. These diapers are very similar to disposables in the sense that you change the entire diaper with every change. They have different snaps that adjust for baby's size. These have a water resistant outer shell with a pocket inside that you stuff with your liner. I use microfibers an bamboo. The microfibers are very think and bulky under clothing so often baby needs to wear at least a size up in clothing. The bamboo takes a little longer to prep, but becomes very absorbent. Now that I mention prepping I guess I better explain. Before cloth diapers become absorbent they need to be prepped. This is done by washing in hot water a certain number of times. I prepped my bamboo by boiling in water on the stove for a half hour. The microfiber prepped in one wash on hot and a dry in the dryer. Your shells can be put in the dryer but it wears them so I like to hang dry (also hanging them iin the sun will help get rid of stains).
You cannot use regular diaper rash creams in a cloth diaper (this ruins the fabric and therefor its ability to absorb). You can get a natural on like CJ's BUTTer. Also, do NOT use fabric softener this also ruins the ability for absorption. With the pocket diapers, to wash I just pull the liner out and drop all of it into the machine with an unscented detergent (currently using Bum Genius). I wash in hot then put all the liners in the dryer and hang the shells. Store soiled diapers in a bag. Just shake off any solids into the toilet and do not soak them.
We had a problem of stinky diapers even after the wash but fixed that by changing detergents. I also have a supply of Mighty Bubbles on hand in case they start to smell funny or seem to have build up. People also use RLR for this same thing.
We have to remember to change the cloth diapers more frequently than the disposable ones. They will leak. I double line the shells at night so that we don't have to change while sleeping. Cloth diapers can be used as swim diapers as long as you remove the liner (so they are not toting around a liner full of pool water). So once you get your stash and get used to the system they are pretty easy. And will save you money! And they are really cute and you can coordinate them with what baby is wearing! So here are your cloth diaper must haves
1. A stash of probably a minimum of 20 diapers
2. Cloth diaper friendly detergent
3. A wet bag (you put dirty diapers in this when you are out and about)
4. Cloth diaper friendly rash ointment
5. Patience (until you get it figured out)
6. Time to teach your partner how the diapers work.
So there you have it, in a small nutshell my experiences with breast feeding and cloth diapering. Questions... just ask me and I will cover in more detail.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
The Need to Know
Ok. So I know my last post was pretty heavy so I want to take it to a lighter topic. I have been asked so many times what are baby must haves and what needs to be in hospital bags. I know, I know, you can do a simple internet search and find this information. But I have found that these lists leave out some important things. I also find that when ladies ask what else they need to know, important information tips are always left out. So here we go.
Baby Must Haves
Clothes (duh) but don't bother buying size newborn. This is what everyone will buy you because they are so cute. Truth is, you will probably end up with more outfits than the baby will wear.
Diapers (duh) but don't get tons of newborn size. Like above, they grow out of them quickly and if there is a chance your baby is going to be on the bigger side it will be a waste. Newborn diapers go up to 9 lbs. So really they won't be in them fir more than a month. My most recent baby wore them for a week!
Nursing Pillow these are great when nursing and serve as a little chair for baby and even double as a tummy time pillow!
Breast Pump if you plan on nursing. And spend the extra money on a good one. Get the double pump as well. I got the cheap single pump the first time around. I had to pump for 30 minutes on each side. This is time you just don't have when caring for a baby. A good double pump will pump a bottle in 10 minutes.
Co-sleeper baby bed this will be a life saver. sleep the baby next to you will save you sleep as you won't have to leave the comfort of your own bed
Receiving Blankets can be used to swaddle, as light summer blankets, as changing pads, burp clothes
Gas Relief Drops babies have gas. They have huge old man farts. They will cause you to wonder where they kept it in their little bodies. They will make you look at the dog or your husband thinking it was them.
Hylands Teething Tablets These can wait until baby starts to teeth, but make sure you have them then or you will be sorry
Swing/Bouncer these will give you the 2 minutes you need to take your new version of a shower
Baby Tylenol this comes in handy after shots and can be taken between doses of Motrin
Baby Advil or Motrin see above
Thermometer cuz the hand to the forhead only works so well
Pacifier Wipes even if you decide not to use a pacifier these can be used to wipe anything that fall to the ground that baby puts in their mouth. Baby wipes will leave terrible flavors on things so don't use them
Milk Storage Bags if you plan on breast feeding you will need to pump sometimes and you will want to save that hard earned milk
Breast Pads if you plan to breast feed, you will leak. You will need these.
Lanolin if you plan on breast feeding get this! I will talk all about breast feeding in a later post
Diaper Rash Ointment if you get a natural one like CJ's BUTTer you can use it for other things like bug bites
Car Seat
Hospital Bag
2-3 shirts
Nursing bra these provide easy nursing access and you won't have to ruin your expensive VS one folding them over
Sleep bra yes, now you will need to sleep in a bra this will help hold your nursing pads
2-3 Nursing friendly Nightgowns I prefer night gowns for 2 reasons. 1 the nurses will check your bleeding and these provide easy access and 2. they do not apply pressure if you end up having a C-Section
2-3 Nursing friendly dresses I prefer to wear dresses instead of shirts and bottoms for the reasons stated above
2-3 shorts/pants/sweats
5 pairs cheap cotton underware get some you will not mind throwing away. This will keep you from having to wear the uncomfortable mesh ones the hospital provides and if they get messy just toss them!
2-4 pairs of socks
Brush
Chap-stick
Toothpaste/Brush
Deoderant
Breast Pads
Pads (Heavy Flow) I like to bring my own so I am not wearing the 3 inch thick hospital ones
Make-up
Shampoo/conditioner
Soap/bodywash
Razor
Toiletries & change of clothes for Daddy so he can sit in the hospital with you without having to leave too often
Camera
Phone Charger
Clothes for baby
Receiving blanket
Baby Gloves
Baby Book to get baby's precious foot prints
I am sure I have left some stuff out, but I know I got the important stuff. Hospital stays vary depending upon the delivery and the hospital so numbers of stuff may be different for your needs. I would recommend packing your bag around 30ish weeks. Better to be prepared than rushing when you need it.
My next post will cover things like breast feeding and cloth diapering. I hope this gives you an idea or a place to start!
Baby Must Haves
Clothes (duh) but don't bother buying size newborn. This is what everyone will buy you because they are so cute. Truth is, you will probably end up with more outfits than the baby will wear.
Diapers (duh) but don't get tons of newborn size. Like above, they grow out of them quickly and if there is a chance your baby is going to be on the bigger side it will be a waste. Newborn diapers go up to 9 lbs. So really they won't be in them fir more than a month. My most recent baby wore them for a week!
Nursing Pillow these are great when nursing and serve as a little chair for baby and even double as a tummy time pillow!
Breast Pump if you plan on nursing. And spend the extra money on a good one. Get the double pump as well. I got the cheap single pump the first time around. I had to pump for 30 minutes on each side. This is time you just don't have when caring for a baby. A good double pump will pump a bottle in 10 minutes.
Co-sleeper baby bed this will be a life saver. sleep the baby next to you will save you sleep as you won't have to leave the comfort of your own bed
Receiving Blankets can be used to swaddle, as light summer blankets, as changing pads, burp clothes
Gas Relief Drops babies have gas. They have huge old man farts. They will cause you to wonder where they kept it in their little bodies. They will make you look at the dog or your husband thinking it was them.
Hylands Teething Tablets These can wait until baby starts to teeth, but make sure you have them then or you will be sorry
Swing/Bouncer these will give you the 2 minutes you need to take your new version of a shower
Baby Tylenol this comes in handy after shots and can be taken between doses of Motrin
Baby Advil or Motrin see above
Thermometer cuz the hand to the forhead only works so well
Pacifier Wipes even if you decide not to use a pacifier these can be used to wipe anything that fall to the ground that baby puts in their mouth. Baby wipes will leave terrible flavors on things so don't use them
Milk Storage Bags if you plan on breast feeding you will need to pump sometimes and you will want to save that hard earned milk
Breast Pads if you plan to breast feed, you will leak. You will need these.
Lanolin if you plan on breast feeding get this! I will talk all about breast feeding in a later post
Diaper Rash Ointment if you get a natural one like CJ's BUTTer you can use it for other things like bug bites
Car Seat
Hospital Bag
2-3 shirts
Nursing bra these provide easy nursing access and you won't have to ruin your expensive VS one folding them over
Sleep bra yes, now you will need to sleep in a bra this will help hold your nursing pads
2-3 Nursing friendly Nightgowns I prefer night gowns for 2 reasons. 1 the nurses will check your bleeding and these provide easy access and 2. they do not apply pressure if you end up having a C-Section
2-3 Nursing friendly dresses I prefer to wear dresses instead of shirts and bottoms for the reasons stated above
2-3 shorts/pants/sweats
5 pairs cheap cotton underware get some you will not mind throwing away. This will keep you from having to wear the uncomfortable mesh ones the hospital provides and if they get messy just toss them!
2-4 pairs of socks
Brush
Chap-stick
Toothpaste/Brush
Deoderant
Breast Pads
Pads (Heavy Flow) I like to bring my own so I am not wearing the 3 inch thick hospital ones
Make-up
Shampoo/conditioner
Soap/bodywash
Razor
Toiletries & change of clothes for Daddy so he can sit in the hospital with you without having to leave too often
Camera
Phone Charger
Clothes for baby
Receiving blanket
Baby Gloves
Baby Book to get baby's precious foot prints
I am sure I have left some stuff out, but I know I got the important stuff. Hospital stays vary depending upon the delivery and the hospital so numbers of stuff may be different for your needs. I would recommend packing your bag around 30ish weeks. Better to be prepared than rushing when you need it.
My next post will cover things like breast feeding and cloth diapering. I hope this gives you an idea or a place to start!
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Loss
My intention is not for this blog to carry heavy topics and for the remainder of my posts, I really hope they are on the lighter side. That being said, this will be heavy reading and may bring some memories back for others who have gone through similar circumstances. I feel that it is a necessary topic for me to cover as it is part of my motherhood process. I know this is going to be a difficult sharing experience for myself and I hope you bear with me through this.
2007
When I was 20, I was living in Hawaii and far away from any family. I found out I was pregnant and non the less terrified. I was a full time student and worked full time at both Starbucks and Hooters. I was extremely busy. Anyways, after 12 weeks gestation I finally worked up the nerve to tell my family. I was starting to get excited and things were going smoothly. I went to my 13 week dr. appointment. The doctor informed me that the baby measured 2 weeks smaller than it should, but that it had a strong heart beat. He said that we would keep our fingers crossed that the baby would catch up in size in the coming weeks. So I went on with life and my busy schedule. 15 weeks 3 days I woke in the middle of the night I woke with the worst pain I had ever experienced. I went to the bathroom to discover I was bleeding (and not a little). I called the doctor on call who informed me I needed to go to the emergency room immediately. I woke my roommate who drove me to the E.R (not nearly fast enough). The E.R had me in triage for 2 hours before I saw a doctor and before an ultrasound was done that confirmed my worst fears. I had indeed miscarried at 15 weeks 3 days along. I was then scheduled for a D&C as my body was not passing the fetus. I awoke from the procedure feeling lost. Here I was 20 years old, no where close to any family and experiencing a loss I had not imagined possible. I had never wanted to have children and one was given to me and allowed me to get excited only to be take from me so suddenly. I was broken. I took a few days off from work to gather my life back together and pick up the pieces. And naturally, I was in a Hooters bikini competition 2 weeks later.
2009
Ok, fast forward to 2009. My husband (he was my boyfriend at the time) left for bootcamp the day I took a pregnancy test and found out we were pregnant. This, of course, was after we had just spent a week in Vegas (and you know what happens and where it stays). So now, here I was a full time student and working 2 jobs again, but this time I was going to have to spend 15 weeks of the pregnancy without my Sean. The first doctors appointment revealed that I was about 10 weeks along. You are probably wondering how I had no clue I was as far along as I was. I had been on the shot for a few years and never had a period, so the lack of one was no indicator. I took a test because I just felt weird.
Things went on smoothly. I went in for my 16 week ultrasound to find out the gender. Boy was I surprised to learn that I was not going to be going home with that information, but instead I was going home with the information that I was having twins! I could not believe it! I was so scared, but mostly I was so excited. At the time Sean was not able to call me so I had to wait for him to get a letter and then return one with the news that he had heard. I went back for an ultra sound at 18 weeks. Here I found that we were having girls! The ultrasound tech was having a hard time finding the line between the two amniotic sacks, but determined that there was indeed 2 sacks. And everything was normal for a twin pregnancy. And of course I celebrated by spending WAY too much money on super cute girl clothes. I had a 2 full tubs of under 3 month size clothes and a pink bathtub.
Sean came home when I was 25 weeks along. I picked him up from the airport and was so excited to see him. The next day we spent Christmas shopping and picking out a double stroller. We also picked out our wedding bands as we had decided we were going to get married. We went to dinner and had a wonderful time. We got home late after the day spent shopping and went to bed. I soon awoke with terrible pains and a gush of fluid. I called the doctor who told me to go to the E.R.
Upon being checked into the E.R I was told that I was completely effaced and dilated. I was given a shot to stop the contractions, but it didn't help. I was then put on Magnesium and my hospital bed was tilted so that my feet were above my head. The plan was to delay my delivery for a week so that my twins who measured 24 week size would measure 25 week size and I would be moved to a hospital with a NICU for my delivery. So I tried everything I could to keep my mind off of the horror that was becoming. I prayed (and for those of you who know me, you know this is out of my character). I begged for my twins to be ok. I pleaded and promised a life of obedience if God would save my twins.
I was on Magnesium for 3 days before they took me off of it as my breath weakened and they feared my lungs would fill with fluid. So they switched me to Dolodid and then it was a waiting game. 2 days went buy and the pressure was becoming intense. The doctor was called in and my water broken and I was given Putosin. They told me I had to push. Everything in my soul was telling me not to while my body was screaming and forcing it. The nurse informed us that they would be born alive and we would hear them gurguling as they tried to breath with their under developed lungs.
After a little while of pushing, our first daughter, Tatum Catherine, came into the world. I was crying knowing what was going to happen. We got to hold our beautiful girl as she struggled to take a breath. She passed shortly after. My contractions had stopped, but I still had one daughter left to deliver. So I pushed as I had no choice to do anything else. Along she came. Our beautiful Rheanan Marie. They layed her next to her sister.
I was scheduled for a D&C the following day to deliver the placenta. Everyone left the room to leave us with our daughters. There we mourned the little lives we lost. The hospital photographer came and took pictures of them. My mom and step dad came to see our girls. We were then informed that after 20 weeks babies are no longer considered "medical waste" and that we would have to call funeral homes and arrange their burial/cremation.
The following morning, the funeral home came and picked them up and told us to come the next morning and decide what we wanted to do with their remains. I was released from the hospital sore and broken. I was in the darkest time of my life. I had the soreness of my breasts that were producing milk to feed the babies I lost. I had the constant reminder of my loss when I went to the bathroom and saw the bleeding. I had a hard time looking Sean in the eyes as I failed him. I lost our babies. I was left with bitterness, devastation, and feelings of weakness. If only I had been stronger, maybe they would have been alive. What did I do so wrong?
We decided to have the girls cremated and put together in a small, heart shaped urn.
It took months before I came out of the dark place that had consumed me. I had questioned everything about me and everything in life. I had cried until my eyes were swollen and tears no longer fell. I finally emerged from the darkness. To say that I am over the devastation would be a lie. The devastation is now a part of my life. The pain is still there, but I can live with it now. There are still things that serve as a reminder and there are times when I still have to hold back the tears. But now, I have my sons and they keep that dark place from once again consuming me. So I will leave you with some advice.
First never say to a woman who has lost a pregnancy that "it happens." She doesn't fucking care that "it happens," it shouldn't have happened.
Second never tell her you understand the pain she is feeling. The fact is, is that pain is hers and hers alone. She does not want to hear what you think she is going through.
And lastly, don't talk about her trying again soon. The fact is, is that she is going to have to find a special place within herself to find the strength to try again. The last thing on her mind following a loss is trying again.
2007
When I was 20, I was living in Hawaii and far away from any family. I found out I was pregnant and non the less terrified. I was a full time student and worked full time at both Starbucks and Hooters. I was extremely busy. Anyways, after 12 weeks gestation I finally worked up the nerve to tell my family. I was starting to get excited and things were going smoothly. I went to my 13 week dr. appointment. The doctor informed me that the baby measured 2 weeks smaller than it should, but that it had a strong heart beat. He said that we would keep our fingers crossed that the baby would catch up in size in the coming weeks. So I went on with life and my busy schedule. 15 weeks 3 days I woke in the middle of the night I woke with the worst pain I had ever experienced. I went to the bathroom to discover I was bleeding (and not a little). I called the doctor on call who informed me I needed to go to the emergency room immediately. I woke my roommate who drove me to the E.R (not nearly fast enough). The E.R had me in triage for 2 hours before I saw a doctor and before an ultrasound was done that confirmed my worst fears. I had indeed miscarried at 15 weeks 3 days along. I was then scheduled for a D&C as my body was not passing the fetus. I awoke from the procedure feeling lost. Here I was 20 years old, no where close to any family and experiencing a loss I had not imagined possible. I had never wanted to have children and one was given to me and allowed me to get excited only to be take from me so suddenly. I was broken. I took a few days off from work to gather my life back together and pick up the pieces. And naturally, I was in a Hooters bikini competition 2 weeks later.
Ok, fast forward to 2009. My husband (he was my boyfriend at the time) left for bootcamp the day I took a pregnancy test and found out we were pregnant. This, of course, was after we had just spent a week in Vegas (and you know what happens and where it stays). So now, here I was a full time student and working 2 jobs again, but this time I was going to have to spend 15 weeks of the pregnancy without my Sean. The first doctors appointment revealed that I was about 10 weeks along. You are probably wondering how I had no clue I was as far along as I was. I had been on the shot for a few years and never had a period, so the lack of one was no indicator. I took a test because I just felt weird.
Things went on smoothly. I went in for my 16 week ultrasound to find out the gender. Boy was I surprised to learn that I was not going to be going home with that information, but instead I was going home with the information that I was having twins! I could not believe it! I was so scared, but mostly I was so excited. At the time Sean was not able to call me so I had to wait for him to get a letter and then return one with the news that he had heard. I went back for an ultra sound at 18 weeks. Here I found that we were having girls! The ultrasound tech was having a hard time finding the line between the two amniotic sacks, but determined that there was indeed 2 sacks. And everything was normal for a twin pregnancy. And of course I celebrated by spending WAY too much money on super cute girl clothes. I had a 2 full tubs of under 3 month size clothes and a pink bathtub.
Sean came home when I was 25 weeks along. I picked him up from the airport and was so excited to see him. The next day we spent Christmas shopping and picking out a double stroller. We also picked out our wedding bands as we had decided we were going to get married. We went to dinner and had a wonderful time. We got home late after the day spent shopping and went to bed. I soon awoke with terrible pains and a gush of fluid. I called the doctor who told me to go to the E.R.
Upon being checked into the E.R I was told that I was completely effaced and dilated. I was given a shot to stop the contractions, but it didn't help. I was then put on Magnesium and my hospital bed was tilted so that my feet were above my head. The plan was to delay my delivery for a week so that my twins who measured 24 week size would measure 25 week size and I would be moved to a hospital with a NICU for my delivery. So I tried everything I could to keep my mind off of the horror that was becoming. I prayed (and for those of you who know me, you know this is out of my character). I begged for my twins to be ok. I pleaded and promised a life of obedience if God would save my twins.
I was on Magnesium for 3 days before they took me off of it as my breath weakened and they feared my lungs would fill with fluid. So they switched me to Dolodid and then it was a waiting game. 2 days went buy and the pressure was becoming intense. The doctor was called in and my water broken and I was given Putosin. They told me I had to push. Everything in my soul was telling me not to while my body was screaming and forcing it. The nurse informed us that they would be born alive and we would hear them gurguling as they tried to breath with their under developed lungs.
After a little while of pushing, our first daughter, Tatum Catherine, came into the world. I was crying knowing what was going to happen. We got to hold our beautiful girl as she struggled to take a breath. She passed shortly after. My contractions had stopped, but I still had one daughter left to deliver. So I pushed as I had no choice to do anything else. Along she came. Our beautiful Rheanan Marie. They layed her next to her sister.
I was scheduled for a D&C the following day to deliver the placenta. Everyone left the room to leave us with our daughters. There we mourned the little lives we lost. The hospital photographer came and took pictures of them. My mom and step dad came to see our girls. We were then informed that after 20 weeks babies are no longer considered "medical waste" and that we would have to call funeral homes and arrange their burial/cremation.
The following morning, the funeral home came and picked them up and told us to come the next morning and decide what we wanted to do with their remains. I was released from the hospital sore and broken. I was in the darkest time of my life. I had the soreness of my breasts that were producing milk to feed the babies I lost. I had the constant reminder of my loss when I went to the bathroom and saw the bleeding. I had a hard time looking Sean in the eyes as I failed him. I lost our babies. I was left with bitterness, devastation, and feelings of weakness. If only I had been stronger, maybe they would have been alive. What did I do so wrong?
We decided to have the girls cremated and put together in a small, heart shaped urn.
It took months before I came out of the dark place that had consumed me. I had questioned everything about me and everything in life. I had cried until my eyes were swollen and tears no longer fell. I finally emerged from the darkness. To say that I am over the devastation would be a lie. The devastation is now a part of my life. The pain is still there, but I can live with it now. There are still things that serve as a reminder and there are times when I still have to hold back the tears. But now, I have my sons and they keep that dark place from once again consuming me. So I will leave you with some advice.
First never say to a woman who has lost a pregnancy that "it happens." She doesn't fucking care that "it happens," it shouldn't have happened.
Second never tell her you understand the pain she is feeling. The fact is, is that pain is hers and hers alone. She does not want to hear what you think she is going through.
And lastly, don't talk about her trying again soon. The fact is, is that she is going to have to find a special place within herself to find the strength to try again. The last thing on her mind following a loss is trying again.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)