2007
When I was 20, I was living in Hawaii and far away from any family. I found out I was pregnant and non the less terrified. I was a full time student and worked full time at both Starbucks and Hooters. I was extremely busy. Anyways, after 12 weeks gestation I finally worked up the nerve to tell my family. I was starting to get excited and things were going smoothly. I went to my 13 week dr. appointment. The doctor informed me that the baby measured 2 weeks smaller than it should, but that it had a strong heart beat. He said that we would keep our fingers crossed that the baby would catch up in size in the coming weeks. So I went on with life and my busy schedule. 15 weeks 3 days I woke in the middle of the night I woke with the worst pain I had ever experienced. I went to the bathroom to discover I was bleeding (and not a little). I called the doctor on call who informed me I needed to go to the emergency room immediately. I woke my roommate who drove me to the E.R (not nearly fast enough). The E.R had me in triage for 2 hours before I saw a doctor and before an ultrasound was done that confirmed my worst fears. I had indeed miscarried at 15 weeks 3 days along. I was then scheduled for a D&C as my body was not passing the fetus. I awoke from the procedure feeling lost. Here I was 20 years old, no where close to any family and experiencing a loss I had not imagined possible. I had never wanted to have children and one was given to me and allowed me to get excited only to be take from me so suddenly. I was broken. I took a few days off from work to gather my life back together and pick up the pieces. And naturally, I was in a Hooters bikini competition 2 weeks later.
Ok, fast forward to 2009. My husband (he was my boyfriend at the time) left for bootcamp the day I took a pregnancy test and found out we were pregnant. This, of course, was after we had just spent a week in Vegas (and you know what happens and where it stays). So now, here I was a full time student and working 2 jobs again, but this time I was going to have to spend 15 weeks of the pregnancy without my Sean. The first doctors appointment revealed that I was about 10 weeks along. You are probably wondering how I had no clue I was as far along as I was. I had been on the shot for a few years and never had a period, so the lack of one was no indicator. I took a test because I just felt weird.
Things went on smoothly. I went in for my 16 week ultrasound to find out the gender. Boy was I surprised to learn that I was not going to be going home with that information, but instead I was going home with the information that I was having twins! I could not believe it! I was so scared, but mostly I was so excited. At the time Sean was not able to call me so I had to wait for him to get a letter and then return one with the news that he had heard. I went back for an ultra sound at 18 weeks. Here I found that we were having girls! The ultrasound tech was having a hard time finding the line between the two amniotic sacks, but determined that there was indeed 2 sacks. And everything was normal for a twin pregnancy. And of course I celebrated by spending WAY too much money on super cute girl clothes. I had a 2 full tubs of under 3 month size clothes and a pink bathtub.
Sean came home when I was 25 weeks along. I picked him up from the airport and was so excited to see him. The next day we spent Christmas shopping and picking out a double stroller. We also picked out our wedding bands as we had decided we were going to get married. We went to dinner and had a wonderful time. We got home late after the day spent shopping and went to bed. I soon awoke with terrible pains and a gush of fluid. I called the doctor who told me to go to the E.R.
Upon being checked into the E.R I was told that I was completely effaced and dilated. I was given a shot to stop the contractions, but it didn't help. I was then put on Magnesium and my hospital bed was tilted so that my feet were above my head. The plan was to delay my delivery for a week so that my twins who measured 24 week size would measure 25 week size and I would be moved to a hospital with a NICU for my delivery. So I tried everything I could to keep my mind off of the horror that was becoming. I prayed (and for those of you who know me, you know this is out of my character). I begged for my twins to be ok. I pleaded and promised a life of obedience if God would save my twins.
I was on Magnesium for 3 days before they took me off of it as my breath weakened and they feared my lungs would fill with fluid. So they switched me to Dolodid and then it was a waiting game. 2 days went buy and the pressure was becoming intense. The doctor was called in and my water broken and I was given Putosin. They told me I had to push. Everything in my soul was telling me not to while my body was screaming and forcing it. The nurse informed us that they would be born alive and we would hear them gurguling as they tried to breath with their under developed lungs.
After a little while of pushing, our first daughter, Tatum Catherine, came into the world. I was crying knowing what was going to happen. We got to hold our beautiful girl as she struggled to take a breath. She passed shortly after. My contractions had stopped, but I still had one daughter left to deliver. So I pushed as I had no choice to do anything else. Along she came. Our beautiful Rheanan Marie. They layed her next to her sister.
I was scheduled for a D&C the following day to deliver the placenta. Everyone left the room to leave us with our daughters. There we mourned the little lives we lost. The hospital photographer came and took pictures of them. My mom and step dad came to see our girls. We were then informed that after 20 weeks babies are no longer considered "medical waste" and that we would have to call funeral homes and arrange their burial/cremation.
The following morning, the funeral home came and picked them up and told us to come the next morning and decide what we wanted to do with their remains. I was released from the hospital sore and broken. I was in the darkest time of my life. I had the soreness of my breasts that were producing milk to feed the babies I lost. I had the constant reminder of my loss when I went to the bathroom and saw the bleeding. I had a hard time looking Sean in the eyes as I failed him. I lost our babies. I was left with bitterness, devastation, and feelings of weakness. If only I had been stronger, maybe they would have been alive. What did I do so wrong?
We decided to have the girls cremated and put together in a small, heart shaped urn.
It took months before I came out of the dark place that had consumed me. I had questioned everything about me and everything in life. I had cried until my eyes were swollen and tears no longer fell. I finally emerged from the darkness. To say that I am over the devastation would be a lie. The devastation is now a part of my life. The pain is still there, but I can live with it now. There are still things that serve as a reminder and there are times when I still have to hold back the tears. But now, I have my sons and they keep that dark place from once again consuming me. So I will leave you with some advice.
First never say to a woman who has lost a pregnancy that "it happens." She doesn't fucking care that "it happens," it shouldn't have happened.
Second never tell her you understand the pain she is feeling. The fact is, is that pain is hers and hers alone. She does not want to hear what you think she is going through.
And lastly, don't talk about her trying again soon. The fact is, is that she is going to have to find a special place within herself to find the strength to try again. The last thing on her mind following a loss is trying again.
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