Pregnancy

I guess the natural place to begin is with pregnancy. Some women know they are pregnant long before they decide to pee on a stick (the first of many chances to pee on/in things in the next 10ish months). So back to peeing on the stick...so if you are like me things start to get crazy. My hand starts shaking, making it nearly impossible to keep that thing in the flow for the required amount of time. My ears start ringing and then its the wait. Some of the tests seem to instantly reveal the results while others leave you waiting for 2 minutes! Like really who can wait 2 minutes when finding out if their life is going to change forever?

So anyways the test comes back positive and you now have so much to do, but where to begin. How are you gonna tell your partner? Are you going to show him the stick you just pissed on for 30 seconds? Kinda gross, just like those people who take pictures of the damn thing then post it on Facebook for the world to see or keep it for the baby book (like that is what their kid is going to want, Mom's pee). Then you have to decide when you are going to tell family and friends. If you are like me you wait until you make it past that delicate first 12 weeks (I'll discuss that later). 

Ok now lets fast forward to why pregnancy sucks and why those ladies that claim they love it are lying. Starting off, for the many of us who have been cursed with morning sickness. In my case all day sickness. Not that I was throwing up all day, it was more of this constant feeling of wanting to spew my guts and never being able to. But, the feeling that if I could, then and only then could you find a little relief (and as I typed that, my potty training tot peed on me!). Then there is the chance of outside stimuli making you sick, smells (like ground turkey and peppercini's) , foods (in my case sweet potatoes), and just about anything else that will make you head for the toilet. Some of us deal with this sickness throughout the entire pregnancy (thank goodness I wasn't one of them) while others have it just the first trimester and you lucky ones that don't get it at all. 

Then lets talk about the trips to the bathroom. Every time you stand up it feels like you have to go so bad. So you waddle your way to relieve yourself to find out you really didn't have to go at all. Now this is reverse of course, when you are sleeping. Just as you get to the best part of a dream you need to get up to relieve yourself. Gah! Then of course you can not resume your dream like you could with an awesome movie. 

And if you think all that is no big deal, wait until the third trimester when you feel like a beached whale and the idea of picking something up off the ground is tiring. Personally, if I couldn't pick it up with my toes, I probably wouldn't pick it up. Instead of picking toys up off the floor to vacuum, I just pushed them around. Then there is the hot flashes and diarrhea. Don't forget the swelling, like carrying a baby and extra fat around wasn't enough. Now you swell so you no longer have ankles and your fingers instead resemble sausages. Some women begin to pee themselves a little at this stage (I was lucky, I didn't experience this). And heartburn! Nothing looks good on you anymore because you no longer have that cute little baby "bump." No you are full blown pregnant and there is no level of cute maternity clothes that you will actually look cute in. 

Now, lets talk about the tests you will go through at prenatal visits. Probably with your first visit will come blood tests along with maybe some genetic abnormality tests. They take vial after vial of blood. Hopefully you get someone that can get your vein on the first try. Also with your first visit you will probably have a pap smear (you know you love that). Request the small duck beak probe, really does make a difference not that it will ever be comfortable. Around week 28 you will get a glucose test. I don't think this is too bad. You drink what tastes like a flat orange soda and wait around for an hour for more blood to be drawn. Now if this comes back irregular they will request you to come in for a 3 hour one (I never did this one). Then around 34 weeks comes the test I find most humiliating...the Group B Strep test. This test the doctor will swab your lady parts then bring that thing to your nether region. First time I had this done, doctor slipped that thing right in there. Now that takes away some dignity. So hopefully for you, your doctor is like my most recent one and just does a quick slip over and doesn't take the plunge with that super long Q-Tip. 

After that the major tests are done. There may be some random blood tests now and then and of course you are going to have to pee in a cup every visit. Then its the waiting game for baby. When you get close and the Braxton-Hicks start coming and increase in intensity it will be your natural thought "is this it?" No, its not. Just take it. Drink water, walk around. They will go away. I promise you, you will know when you have a real contraction. That shit sucks! But we will get into labor and delivery another time. So I will leave you with some of what I think helps the most during pregnancy.

First, get a pregnancy pillow or a body pillow you will need it to support your ever growing body. Try to find some clothes that will work for you both during pregnancy and after as you will not fit in your pre-pregnancy clothes for a while. Also, try to keep good posture. This will help with the back pain and limit your double chin in pictures. Drink tons of water it might just help with the swelling. Find comfortable shoes that will still fit if you do swell. And lastly, make your partner rub your feet and legs and treat yourself to pedicures regularly. You are going to want nice looking toes when you are pushing!